i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
