Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
