You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
