Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
