some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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