It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
