No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
