Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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