So drunk its hurt
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
