i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
