I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
