I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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