If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
