I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
