I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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