true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
