no, he came in my armpit
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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