Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
