im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
