worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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