apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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