I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
