Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dick very happy bro
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
