My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
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He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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