I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
