I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
