I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
