Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
