i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
