i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
