I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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