I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
