Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
