Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
