You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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