When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
