some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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