Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
