I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
