ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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