we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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