Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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