so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
