Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
