I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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