Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
