Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
