Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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