apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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