Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
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I want her autograph on my taint
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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