My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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