I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize