Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
