I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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