i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
