Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
How external is "for external use only"?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is my gift to your gina
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
